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Astrea

Nakatitig lang ako sa star pin na bigay niya sa'kin, it was now placed on the box she gave me. Hindi ko na ito sinuot matapos ang gabing 'yon. My reason was— I feel pathetic every time I wear it.. knowing that it probably doesn't mean anything to her. Para bang kada suot ko ang pin na iyon, mas bumibigat ang pakiramdam ko. Now, it just serves as a reminder of how foolish I was to think that things could be different.

Pero gabi-gabi, palagi ko pa rin itong tinititigan.

I can't help it.

It's my way of holding on to the memories I don't want to forget, kahit masakit. I can't help but wonder if things had turned out differently, would this pin still hold the same weight? Oh ako lang talaga ang nagbigay ng kahulugan sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat? It's my way of keeping her close, even if she's slipping away from me.

Correction— she already slipped away.

I chuckled bitterly before closing the box and hid it in one of my drawers.

It's been almost a month since she left.

It was weeks of endless pretentious, weeks of convincing myself that I'm fine, na kaya ko. Pero ang totoo, I've been carrying this heavy emptiness since she walked away. I chuckled again, it was much bitter this time, as if that would make things easier to swallow. Pretending has become second nature—laughing when I feel like breaking down, smiling when all I want to do is disappear.

I closed the drawer and leaned against it, feeling the weight of everything I've been trying to bury. It's been weeks since she left, but it still feels like it just happened yesterday.

I became disoriented days after receiving that message.

Mas naging tahimik.. at unti-unti nang nawawalan ng pakialam sa mundo.

Muntik na akong bumalik sa mundong pinilit kong takasan. The world I swore I'd never return to—the one filled with nothing but emptiness and isolation. I thought I had moved on, that I had found a way to live again after everything that happened in the past. But her message—her leaving—triggered something in me.

Mas naging tahimik ako, mas nawala ang boses ko sa mga tao sa paligid. It felt like I was slowly fading, unti-unti nang nawawalan ng saysay ang mga bagay na dati'y mahalaga. Every day became a blur, as if nothing really mattered anymore.

It's as if the world around me continued to move, but I was stuck in place, watching it from a distance. Every attempt to care, to feel something, seemed pointless. The colors that once filled my life had dulled into shades of gray.

Nagsimula akong umiwas sa mga kaibigan, sa mga taong madalas kong kasama. It was easier to avoid people than to explain what was happening inside me. I didn't want to be a burden—hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanila na unti-unti na akong nawawala sa sarili kong mundo. Ironic, really. I spent so long trying to climb out of the darkness, only to feel it pulling me back again.

The days blurred together, and I almost let it consume me—almost allowed myself to slip into that familiar numbness.

The restaurant became a distraction, a temporary escape from the chaos in my mind. At least doon, I could pretend that everything was normal. I would focus on the routine—taking orders, serving customers, hearing the usual hum of chatter. It gave me something to do, kahit papaano, kahit sandali lang. It was easier to be surrounded by people who didn't expect anything from me than to face the reality of my own emotions.

Pero kahit na andun ako, I was still distant. Physically present but mentally absent. My body moved on autopilot, going through the motions, but my mind was miles away. I'd catch myself staring at nothing, losing track of time, or zoning out when someone would talk to me.

Work was just another mask I wore, one that helped me forget—for a moment—how hollow I had become.

Karis still checks up on me, and I appreciate her for that, kahit na alam kong wala siyang makukuhang sagot sa'kin. She's one of the few people who hasn't given up on me. Tita Sandra, on the other hand, has been my constant. Somehow, we've grown closer through all this. She doesn't ask questions; she doesn't push. We just sit together in silence most days, and it's the only time I feel like I don't have to pretend.

Vida.. She usually talks to me, but I refuse to do so. And I could feel the guilt in her every time I did that. Kahit hindi naman patungkol sa kanya ang dahilan ng pananahimik ko, because she's Ms. Del Mundo's sister. She probably thinks I'm punishing her, but the truth is, I don't have the energy to talk to anyone—not even her. I know she's trying to reach out, trying to fix whatever broke between us, but I just can't bring myself to respond.

..My trust has been shattered, and it feels impossible to piece it back together. After everything that happened with Ms. Del Mundo, I find it hard to let anyone in, even the people who genuinely care. Each interaction feels like a risk, a chance for more disappointment.

Kahit alam ko na may magandang intensyon si Vida at Karis, takot na akong magtiwala muli. I've built these walls around me, and every time I think about tearing them down, I remember how it felt to be hurt. It's easier to stay closed off than to open myself up to potential pain again.

So, I keep my distance. I keep my feelings buried, even if it means pushing away the ones who want to support me. I'd rather bear this loneliness than risk the hurt of trusting someone again.

Napabuntong hininga na lang ako sa mga naiisip ko. My phone suddenly buzzed on top of the drawer, kaya agad ko itong kinuha para i-check kung ano ito.

June 20:
Ms. Elise's birthday 🎂 — 2 days to go.

It was a scheduled reminder.

..Of course, how can I forget? I've been trying not to think about it. Pero hindi pa nakisama 'tong pesteng cellphone na 'to.

Ang lapit na ng birthday niya.. and yet, she's not even here.

I stared at the reminder on my phone— It's strange how one person can come into your life, change everything, and then leave as if it never mattered.

I felt the pull to grab that bottle of alcohol from the fridge, to numb the pain the way I used to. But I stopped myself.

No, I couldn't go back to that.

Even if it means bearing this twitching pain in my heart that doesn't seem to go away whenever she's on my mind.

I promised I wouldn't let her, or this situation, drag me down. I wouldn't let it ruin the person I've become because of her.

Because the truth is—I've become better since knowing her. As much as it hurts now, I can't deny that she brought out a part of me I didn't know existed. She made me want to be better, to live again, to care about things that once felt meaningless. Even now, with all the pain I feel, I refuse to let that part of me be trampled by this stupid heartbreak.

I've grown because of her. She helped me climb out of the darkness I once lived in, and I refuse to let my current situation undo all of that. I won't go back to the version of myself who shut everything out and drowned in alcohol just to survive. I won't let this break me.

Tomorrow, I'll go to work like I always do. I'll serve customers, wear that practiced smile, and pretend that everything's fine.

Nagpunta ako sa studio ko, and as I sat on my swivel chair, my laptop immediately turned on and my eyes immediately darted to the folder where the mouse was pointing at.

Lively.

I couldn't help but scoff knowing that the folder contains.. all of her pictures from my camera.

345 pictures.

And it's all her.

Lahat ng 'yon.. it was compiled from the first time I captured her until she became a part of my life.

I leaned back, fingers hovering above the mouse as I stared at the folder. My chest tightened just thinking about it, but I couldn't bring myself to delete them. Each photo held a memory, a piece of the time when things felt almost right.

I clicked the folder open, and the screen filled with her images—smiling, laughing, lost in thought, unaware that a camera captured all of those moments of her. Every frame held something real, something that felt like mine. And as much as it hurt now, I couldn't let go. These pictures were all I had left of her.

My eyes trailed over the timeline of photos, from the first one I'd taken—she was just a stranger back then, someone I saw through the lens, unknowingly pulling me in. As time went by, the pictures became more candid, and she was no longer just a face in a crowd. She was her, the one I couldn't stop thinking about.

I hovered over one photo where she was looking straight at the camera, her eyes bright with laughter. I remembered that day, remembered how I'd felt capturing that moment, it was back at that bay. It seems like it froze that moment forever, and now here it was—a reminder of everything we used to be.

Friends.

The word echoed in my mind as if it was mocking me.

I scrolled through more photos, feeling strange with every image that passed. It was as if these photos held onto pieces of me that I didn't know how to reclaim. Each one reminded me of the laughter, the late-night talks, the unspoken things we shared. They were all memories I didn't want to forget, yet holding onto them only made the ache sharper.

I closed the folder, feeling the weight of it all settle back into my chest.

It's not helping at all.

Everything reminds me of her kahit anong pilit kong hindi siya isipin.

I stood up, trying to distract myself from the tears threatening to fall. I hissed softly, feeling the burn in my eyes as I closed them, desperately trying to hold back. It felt like an ache that couldn't be ignored, a heaviness pressing against my chest.

I took a deep breath, swallowing down the sobs that were rising in my throat. I won't break, I told myself, gripping the edge of the desk until my knuckles turned white. But the silence of the studio felt suffocating, amplifying every emotion I was trying to bury.

Opening my eyes, I scanned the room for something—anything—to occupy myself with, to keep me grounded. But everywhere I looked, memories of her lingered. The lens she once borrowed, the photos we'd sorted together, even the faint scent of her perfume that seemed to haunt this space.

I gritted my teeth, willing the tears to stay back. This pain won't consume me. But as I stood there, surrounded by all that she had left behind, I realized that letting go was harder than I'd ever imagined. Let alone.. forgetting these feelings for her like she wanted.

"I need a drink." I muttered under my breath. "Kahit isa lang."

Agad akong pumunta sa ref and when I opened it, hindi ko mapigilang mapangiwi nang makitang halos wala itong laman kundi puro alak lang.

"You are such a dipshit, Astrea." I say to myself before grabbing a bottle of black label.

Nakakalahati ko na ito for this week.

I got a glass to pour the drink and put in some ice as well.

As the ice clinked into the glass, I stared at it, feeling a familiar bitterness settle in. "Just one drink," I reminded myself, yet the weight of the bottle in my hand told a different story. The silence in the room seemed to grow heavier as I poured, watching the amber liquid swirl and settle over the ice.

I took a sip, feeling the warmth hit the back of my throat. It burned, but I welcomed the sting—anything to dull the ache clawing at my chest. I sank back into my chair, letting my head fall back as the alcohol started to blur the edges of my thoughts. Maybe, if I drank enough, I could forget, even if just for a moment.

I brought the glass back to my lips, taking another slow sip, letting the numbness settle in. "You're pathetic, Astrea," I muttered to myself, a bitter smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. "Kung alam niya lang kung paano ako nauubos nang dahil sa kanya."

The silence grew thick again, filling every empty corner of the room. I closed my eyes, letting the alcohol wash over the memories, if only for tonight.

It lasted for a few minutes as I stopped myself, not wanting to be a drunkard like what anyone thinks. And when I did, agad akong dumiretso sa kwarto ko.

I tossed my phone on the bed and stared at the ceiling, feeling the familiar exhaustion settle in. I was tired of pretending, tired of missing her, but I knew I couldn't give up on the progress I've made. No matter how much I want to forget, I refuse to lose the person I've become because of her.

So, suck it up, Astrea.

Pinili mo 'to. You know what will happen, so fuck it and live your life.

...

"Astrea Zaire!" I was woken up with someone slapping my lower body and a scream.

Shit.

My fucking head hurts.

Agad akong naka talukbong ng kumot ko dahil sa sinag ng araw, inaantok pa ako.

"Ay talagang batang 'to."

It was all muffled as I tried to go back to sleep, but then I felt my blanket being pulled down. I couldn't help but to feel annoyed with whoever messed with me this morning.

Tangina, sa tulog na nga lang ako makakabawi.

"Punyet—"

"Sige, magmura ka at makakatikim ka talaga ng kotong diyan sa ulo mong napakatigas!" Agad naman akong napamulat ng mata nang marinig ko ang boses ni Tita Sandra, and there she was, looking furiously at me while folding the blanket she just took from me.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang mapakamot ng marahas at napahiga na lang sa kama ko, pero agad din niya akong pinuntahan at sinubukan akong paupuin.

"Anong oras na at nakahiga ka pa rin, uminom ka na naman ano?!"

"Ta.. umaga pa."

"Umaga? Hoy, alas dos na ng hapon! If Randy didn't messaged me na wala ka pa sa restaurant, hindi ko pa malalaman na nagpapakalunod ka na naman sa alak!"

"Okay fine! Uminom ako, but I'm an adult now–"

"Tigilan mo ako sa kakaganyan mo. I know why you're being like this, Astrea Zaire. Kaya bumangon ka na d'yan."

"I don't wanna go to work." I whined as I finally opened my eyes, "Can I just have a day off?"

"You've been taking a lot of off days this month. Mind you, ikaw na ang namamahala ng Constellations. Don't give me that lazy attitude at bumangon ka na."

"Oo na!"

I groaned as I slowly pushed myself up, my head pounding from last night's indulgence. Tita Sandra crossed her arms, her stern gaze fixed on me, and I could feel the disappointment radiating off her. She wasn't usually like this, but it was clear that my behavior lately had her worried.

"Isang beses pa kitang mahuli na nagpapakalunod sa alak, Astrea, hindi lang sermon ang aabutin mo," She warned, giving me that no-nonsense look that only Tita Sandra could manage.

"Ang sakit na nga ng ulo ko, dinadagdagan pa," I muttered, but quietly enough that she wouldn't hear. I stood up reluctantly, dragging myself to the bathroom while her lecture trailed behind me.

As I splashed cold water on my face, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I looked as tired as I felt, the dark circles under my eyes a reminder of how little rest I'd been getting. Everything felt off—work, school, life, everything. It was as if I was floating through days that felt emptier and emptier.

When I returned to the room, Tita Sandra had already tidied up, the blanket folded neatly on the bed. She looked at me, her expression softening slightly. "Astrea, alam kong mahirap ito para sa'yo. But you can't keep shutting yourself down like this. Hindi ito ang paraan para maka-move on. Lahat ng tao iniiwasan mo na rin."

I looked away, not really wanting to talk about it. "I'll be fine, Tita. Kaya ko naman."

"Kaya mo, pero hindi sa ganitong paraan," She said gently, resting a hand on my shoulder. "Ang daming nagmamahal sa'yo, pero lahat sila iniwasan mo."

I wanted to argue, to tell her I was just fine on my own, but the words wouldn't come.

"..Just like how you've been avoiding whenever I try to talk you out to whoever that man you're involved with?" I asked back.

Her bruises are now healed.. some scars left but no signs that she has been abused recently.

And that brought relief to me, I could only wish that she found a way to escape her situation.Kahit hindi niya ito sinasabi sa'kin. Even though a part of me wished that she did.

There are a lot of problems coming into my life lately.. but her safety is still a quiet concern to me. I only stopped asking and bugging her about it because she doesn't want me to overstep.

Nirespeto ko 'yon kahit labag sa loob ko.

"Astrea," She said softly, breaking the silence. "I know you're worried about me, but you need to focus on yourself too. Hindi sa lahat ng oras ay matatakbuhan mo ang mga problema ng dahil sa alak."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, trying to brush off her concern. "I'm fine. I can handle it."

"Can you, though?" She challenged gently. "Hiding behind a bottle isn't going to fix anything. It might feel like it helps, but it doesn't. It just postpones the inevitable."

I sighed, the weight of her words settling on my shoulders. "You make it sound so easy. Just face my problems like it's a walk in the park."

"It's not easy for anyone," She replied, her voice steady. "But pretending everything's okay when it's not only makes it harder. You know that as well as I do."

I looked away, unable to meet her gaze. "Maybe I just don't want to deal with it right now."

"Kung hindi ngayon, edi kailan?" She asked, her tone gentle but firm. "If you keep pushing it away, it will only grow. And while you're doing that, you're missing out on the people who care about you. You can't just keep drinking your worries away."

"I don't want to burden anyone with my problems," I murmured.

She shook her head. "Astrea, caring about someone means sharing the load. I care about you, and I want to help. But you have to let me in. Let the others in."

"..I already did." I replied quietly, "And look at where I ended up. It's easier to deal with things by myself."

"But is it really easier?" She asked, her eyes searching mine. "You've been isolating yourself, and it's hurting you more than you realize. You don't have to carry everything on your own shoulders."

I ran a hand through my hair, frustration bubbling up. "It's just complicated. Everything feels so heavy right now."

"I know," She said softly. "But facing it is the first step. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on in your head. You've been so caught up in your worries about me or other people that you've forgotten to take care of yourself."

I hesitated, the walls I had built around my feelings starting to crack. "I just.." I sighed heavily, "I know it may not seem like it. But I'm trying to not go back into a loop, Ta. Sinusubukan ko naman.. pero hindi ko lang alam kung saan magsisimula."

"Start with what's bothering you the most," She suggested. "I'm here to listen, not to judge. You don't have to have it all figured out."

She took me in for an embrace. "We're a family, alalahanin mo 'yan."

"Really? Doesn't feel like it– Aray!" She pinched me!

"Now, get yourself ready. Baka pagdating mo sa Constellations, maaalala mo ulit kung bakit mo ito sinimulan," She said with a small, encouraging smile after she pulled away

I sighed but nodded. Tita Sandra had a point, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Maybe work would distract me—at least for a while.

...

"Update me about the inventory tonight, I need to check if we still have enough stock or if it's time to order again." I gave the inventory list to Randy. "Keep up the good work, team!"

It's been a busy day.

Kailangan kong habulin yung oras na nasayang ko kanina dahil late na nga akong nakapasok. Tita Sandra was the one who drove me here before she left for work at the company.

It's currently 6 PM. Dumadami na naman ang mga tao, well.. It's sunday. Of course it's jam packed.

Pumasok ako sa office para magpahinga saglit but then my phone suddenly rang kaya agad ko itong kinuha. I sighed as I saw Vida calling me.

As I was about to decline it, I received a message from her.

Vida
Pick it up.
Don't even think
of declining it, papasukin
kita d'yan sa office mo.
6:32 pm

She's a menace.

"Hello?"

"Oh, you received my text well." She chuckled, "I'm outside. Let's talk shall we?"

"I'm busy."

"Mmhm, I know. But make time for me tonight."

"Vida–"

"Bilisan mo."

And she ended the call.

I can't help but to cover my face with my hand, I groaned softly, feeling the weight of the impending conversation. Vida always had a knack for getting what she wanted, and her persistence was both infuriating and oddly endearing.

I dragged myself off the chair, knowing that avoiding her wasn't an option. "Fine," I muttered to myself as I headed toward the door. I took a moment to collect my thoughts before stepping outside.

The night air was cool, a stark contrast to the tension that had built up inside me. I found her leaning against her car, arms crossed and an expectant grin on her face.

"Finally!" She exclaimed, pushing herself off the vehicle. "I was starting to think you'd bail on me."

"Yeah, well, I almost did," I replied, rolling my eyes. "What do you want, Vida?"

She laughed, the sound light and teasing. "Can't a friend just want to hang out? I came bearing coffee." She held up a cup, the rich aroma wafting toward me.

"Coffee won't fix everything," I shot back, though I couldn't help but feel a hint of gratitude.

"It'll help, trust me. Just come on." She gestured toward the passenger side, and after a moment's hesitation, I relented and climbed in.

Once inside, the atmosphere shifted slightly. The tension was palpable, and I could feel her probing me with her gaze. "Alright, spill it. What's going on in that head of yours?"

I leaned back, crossing my arms defensively. "Nothing I want to discuss."

"Liar," She said, smirking. "You've been avoiding me for days, and I know it's not just because of work."

"I just have a lot on my plate," I muttered, trying to brush it off.

"Yeah? Like what? Your little pity party? Because I'm not buying it," She shot back at me, her tone suddenly serious.

I frowned, annoyance bubbling up. "I'm not throwing a pity party. I'm just.. managing."

"Managing what? Your emotions? Because it seems like you're just shoving them down," She pressed, her eyes narrowing. "You need to let it out, Astrea. I'm here for you, but you have to meet me halfway."

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Vida, I really don't want to get into it right now."

"Too bad. You think I care about your excuses? You're my friend, and I won't let you spiral alone," She insisted, her voice firm yet caring.

"Why do you even care so much?" I snapped, frustration spilling over. "You've got your own problems to deal with!"

"Because I do care! And because you're acting like a total menace," She rolled her eyes at me. "I won't let you hide from me, no matter how much you try."

Her words hung in the air, and for a moment, I was at a loss for how to respond. Vida was relentless, and deep down, I knew she had a point.

"Fine," I said finally, my tone softening. "I guess I could use someone to talk to. Just.. don't expect me to pour my heart out right away."

"I wouldn't dream of it," She replied, a playful smile returning to her face. "But we're starting tonight."

"You act as if you don't know."

"You're acting like that as well."

"Ang dami mong sagot 'no?"

She smiled smuggly and took a sip on her coffee. "Something definitely happened between you and Vien."

"Karis didn't tell you?" I looked at her.

"We're not the type who gossips about other people. Even if she and I are practically the closest to each other."

Nanahimik naman ako sa sinabi niya. Well.. at least that kind of saved me from the humiliation.

"Come on, spill it."

I closed my eyes for a moment, "I confessed to her."

"Wait, what?" Vida's eyes widened, her playful demeanor shifting to one of genuine surprise. "You confessed to Vien? Wow, I didn't see that coming."

I shrugged, my heart pounding in my chest. "Yeah, well, I didn't think it would go anywhere. Just wanted her to know how I felt but it turns out it was a mistake."

She leaned forward, intrigued. "What happened? How did she react?"

I let out a shaky breath, the memory flooding back. "She.. she rejected me." I felt a sting of embarrassment, my voice barely above a whisper. "She wants me to save myself from her, and forget these feelings of mine. I even received a text from her saying that the next time we meet.. She'll just be Professor Del Mundo to me, nothing more.. nothing less."

Vida's expression softened, her playful facade replaced with concern. "I'm sorry, Astrea."

"It's not your fault anyway." I ran a hand through my hair, trying to shake off the heaviness. "Alam ko naman kung ano ang mangyayari. We've had numerous discussions about it before."

"About your feelings?" Vida asked, raising an eyebrow.

"..No." I sighed, feeling the weight of the truth settle over me. "About how she wasn't ready if someone came into her life. She loves Khione—"

"Wait, so you think that's the issue? That she's still hung up on her?" Vida leaned forward, her interest piqued.

I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, how can she not be? Their history is complicated, and she was so invested in her. I was a witness to all of that."

"That's why she's been back home, isolating herself?" Vida's tone shifted to realization. "I thought she was just still stuck with the death situation thingy."

"Yeah, well, it turns out she's been avoiding me since then," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

Vida sat back, crossing her arms as she processed the information. "You know, she's been through a lot. With everything that happened before, it makes sense she'd have a hard time opening up to anyone."

"Alam ko." I replied. "But it doesn't make it hurt any less. It clearly tells me that she doesn't want nor need me in her life."

"You can't think like that, Astrea," Vida said, her voice firm. "Just because she's struggling doesn't mean she doesn't care. It's just.. complicated for her right now."

I shook my head softly before taking a sip on the coffee.

"..Show me her text."

"What? Ayoko nga."

"Come on! Just show me!"

"I don't want to—"

Hindi ko na nasabi ang dapat kong sabihin dahil nagulat na lang ako ng kunin niya sa'kin ang cellphone ko.

"Vida!" As I was about to grab it from her, she immediately left the car at bago pa ako makalabas.. I heard the doors locking which made me give up.

She's insufferable.

I watched as Vida held my phone just out of reach, a triumphant grin on her face. "Come on, don't make this harder than it needs to be."

"Seriously, Vida, I don't want to—"

"Too bad!" she shot back playfully. "Aha! Found it, woah.. long message much?" As her eyes scanned the words, the playfulness in her expression shifted to something more serious.

"Wow," She said softly, glancing up at me. "This is heavy."

I felt a knot tighten in my stomach.

"It sounds like she's protecting you, Astrea," Vida replied, her brow furrowing in concern. "Oh I hate how this text is so like her. She cares about you, but she's struggling to manage her feelings right now."

I shrugged, trying to hide the vulnerability creeping in. "But that just means she doesn't want me around."

Vida paused, "No, it means she's trying to navigate her own emotions. This is complicated for her, and she's trying to do what she thinks is best for both of you. It doesn't mean she doesn't want you."

"Please, you've seen the message. The nothing more, nothing less part?"

Muli itong bumalik sa loob ng sasakyan and gave me my phone back.

"I don't know." She sighed, "I think kailangan niyong mag-usap."

"She doesn't want that."

"How sure are you?"

"I'm sure, because that's what the message is all about. She took a few months leave from work, isn't that enough to tell me to fuck off?"

"Your interpretation is quite off, you know that doesn't sound like my sister." Vida countered. "Vien has always been the type to put others' needs before her own. This message is her way of protecting you."

I scoffed, running a hand through my hair in frustration. "Protecting me? Really? Doesn't seem like it now."

Vida leaned closer, her gaze intense. "Astrea, you have to understand. Sometimes people pull away because they're scared of getting hurt or of hurting others. You've been doing that as well, aren't you?"

I froze for a moment, taken aback. "What do you mean?"

"Think about it," She said. "You've been shutting down, isolating yourself from everyone, trying to handle all your problems alone. It's no different from what she's doing. You're both afraid of what happens if you let someone in."

I looked away, uncomfortable with her words. "She's been through a lot and you know that, she's broken.. and sure, the confession might be quite a lot to handle for her. Her reaction to that may not be ideal.. and seems like she's pushing you away but she's not doing it because she wants to," Vida continued, her voice softening. "It's more like she's trying to protect herself—and you—in the process. You both have your battles, and it's easier to retreat than to confront those feelings head-on."

Hindi na ako umimik, because her words are starting to make sense.

"Sagutin mo nga ako," She trailed off, her expression serious. "Are you giving up on her?"

I swallowed a lump in my throat, the weight of her question pressing down on me.

Am I?

Pati sarili ko, hindi alam kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko. "I guess I have to," I finally replied, my voice barely above a whisper. "She made it clear she doesn't feel the same way."

"Really? After everything?" Vida pressed, concern etching her features. "You've loved her for three years. Ngayon pa ba susuko ka?"

"But she doesn't feel the same, okay?" I said, the words tasting bitter in my mouth. "I know that. She's not going to feel the same way. I can't just hope for something that isn't there."

"Well, hope is not a bad thing." Vida said, her tone softening.

"Wala ngang pag-asa," I cut her off, shaking my head. "I'm not going to ask about hope because I don't have that. She's made it clear she wants to be alone right now, and I need to respect that. Nasasaktan ako, oo. But that's just.. that."

"Pain is part of love, Astrea," She replied gently. "You can't avoid it. But giving up on her would be its own kind of pain."

"Maybe it would be easier," I admitted, "It's exhausting holding onto something that feels one-sided. I don't want to be a burden to her. She's been through enough. Dadagdagan ko pa ba?"

"Giving up would be a burden in itself," Vida countered and leaned back on her chair. "You've put in so much time and love into this. You owe it to yourself to stand firm in what you feel, even if it's hard."

"I don't expect anything in return," I said, my voice cracking. "I just wish it didn't hurt so much to know she's isolating herself and pushing me away."

"Are you really ready to walk away from someone you care about so deeply?" Vida challenged. "You're talking about giving up on three years of love. Is that something you can truly do?"

"I don't know," I confessed, my heart aching. "It feels like I'm stuck in this limbo. It's tearing me apart."

"Then don't handle it alone. You have people who care about you," Vida said softly. "Just give it time. Focus on being her friend. She might need that space to figure things out, even if it means she doesn't want you right now."

I looked into her eyes, the flicker of hope struggling to ignite amidst my pain. "So, you really think I should keep trying?"

"Not trying for something you expect in return, but being there as a friend. You've loved her for so long. That's worth something, isn't it?"

"I guess.. Ewan, hindi ko alam." I hesitated, uncertainty flooding my mind. "I just don't want to prolong the hurt if she really doesn't want me."

"Then be there without expectations," Vida encouraged. "You can't control how she feels, but you can control how you show up. You deserve that chance, even if it's hard."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, feeling the weight of her words. "So, you think I should just wait? Let her figure things out on her own?"

"Not wait indefinitely," She clarified. "But give her a chance to process everything. It's okay to reach out, to let her know you're there for her, without any pressure. Sometimes, just knowing someone cares can make a difference."

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair again. "It's just hard. I don't want to come off as desperate or pushy. What if she really doesn't want me around?"

"Then at least you'll have clarity," Vida replied, leaning back with a thoughtful expression. "You can't control her feelings or her decisions, but you can be honest about your own. That's what matters."

I bit my lip, contemplating her words. "You make it sound so easy."

"Trust me, it's not. But avoiding the situation is just going to make things worse for both of you," she urged. "You care about her, and that's enough reason to try."

As I sat in her car, napaisip na lang ako sa napag-usapan namin. Maybe talking to Vida would've helped me sooner than what I've imagined.

"It's almost an hour since I'm gone." I say as I peek through my watch, "Kailangan ko na bumalik sa loob. Thanks for the coffee and the.. talk."

She chuckled, "Glad that I'm helping."

Umalis na ako sa sasakyan niya at aalis na sana nang tinawag niya ako pabalik.

"What now?"

She smiled, "Go on a trip with me. I think you need it."

"I have work."

"Yeah, and it's your summer break. Are you really gonna spend it drowning yourself to work?"

I paused, considering her words. "I mean, I have responsibilities, Vida. I can't just drop everything."

"Come on, Astrea," she urged, stepping closer. "A change of scenery could do you good. You've been through a lot lately, and honestly, you deserve a break. Just a few days to clear your head. It's not like you'll be abandoning your work completely."

I sighed, torn between my obligations and the idea of a little escape. "I don't know."

Vida rolled her eyes playfully. "You're not the only one in the world with responsibilities. Besides, a little adventure can inspire you. You might come back more refreshed and ready to tackle whatever's next."

"Where would we even go?" I asked, curiosity creeping in despite myself.

"I was thinking of a beach getaway," She said, her eyes lighting up. "Somewhere we can just relax, unwind, and maybe even have a little fun. Just you and me. No distractions, no worries—just sand, sun, and the ocean."

I bit my lip, weighing the pros and cons. "It does sound nice..."

"Exactly! And you can clear your mind about everything—Vien, your work, all of it," she pressed. "Just for a few days, Astrea. I promise I'll make it worth your while."

"When are we leaving?"

"Tonight." She gave me a teasing smile, "Pack your things and I'll pick you up at 11."

"Ano? Hindi pa nga kami magsasarado—"

"You plan it out." She started the car, "And don't just pack bikinis! Make sure to have something formal. As well as what you usually wear, alright? Bring some heels! Jewelries too!"

"Akala ko ba beach?"

"Oh just do what I say!"

"Okay, okay!" I threw my hands up in mock surrender, laughing despite my nerves. "But seriously, Vida, you're not giving me much time here."

"Life's too short for overthinking, Astrea!" She giggled, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Now get moving! I'll be waiting."

Bwisit na babae 'yon. Agad akong tumawag kay Tita Sandra about me going on a trip for a few days, she said she's excited about it dahil halos mag-iisang buwan na daw akong nasa bahay. I also gave the staff some instructions as I hurried home, mentally sorting through what I'd need for this unexpected trip.

Once I was inside my room, I opened my closet and began tossing clothes onto my bed. A couple of bikinis went in, of course, but I couldn't ignore Vida's insistence on packing something formal. I grabbed some dresses, and a few of my usual outfits.

"What the hell am I doing?" I muttered to myself, glancing at the pile growing on my bed. "I'm gonna kill Vida, I swear one day I will."

After packing my usual comfortable clothes, I rummaged through my accessories drawer, pulling out my favorite heels, some delicate jewelry, and even a pair of statement earrings.

Pero napatigil ako ng makita ko ang star pin.

Should I even bring it?

Darn it.

I grabbed it and placed it inside my bag.

By the time I finished, I felt a mix of exhaustion and adrenaline coursing through me. I glanced at the clock—it was almost 10:30.

"Shit, I'm going to be late!" I exclaimed, rushing to do a last-minute check of my bag before heading to the door. Just as I was about to step out, my phone buzzed.

Vida
On my way! Are you ready?
Don't keep me waiting!
10:31 pm

Dati ba 'tong pressure cooker?

After double-checking that I hadn't forgotten anything, I headed out. Gutom na nga yung tao, napagod pa.

When Vida pulled up outside, her car lit up in the dim evening light.

"Ready for an adventure?" She asked with a grin.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I replied with a fake smile, "Yay."

"Oh, Trust me, this is going to be good for you," She said as we pulled away from the place.

I was so focused on the prospect of a beach trip that I hadn't even considered what Vida might have planned beyond that. We drove through the city, and as the streetlights blurred past, I felt a strange feeling towards where we're going.

After a while, I turned to Vida, curiosity gnawing at me. "Saan ba tayo pupunta?"

She shot me a sideways glance, her smile widening. "It's a surprise!"

"Seriously? You're not going to give me any hints?" I pressed, my interest piqued.

"Just trust me. It'll be worth it," she said, her voice playful yet mysterious.

I shrugged, deciding to let it go for now. I didn't want to ruin the fun with my endless questions. We turned onto a quieter road, and my thoughts drifted to the beach, the sun, and the hope of momentary escape from everything weighing on my mind.

"Matulog ka muna."

"Gutom ako."

"I figured, there's some take out food at the back. Help yourself with it."

Napatingin ako sa kanya at sinaaman ito ng tingin.

"What?"

"Sana kanina mo pa sinabi."

"You didn't tell."

"Oh my freaking gosh–" I bit my lower lip as I stopped myself, "How are you her sister?"

She chuckled, "Same question."

Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin pa at kinuha ang sinasabi niyang take out food. Kumain na nga ako until I was done but after a while, I could feel the drowsiness taking me.

"How long are we gonna be on this ride?" I yawned, "Don't you need someone to take over?"

"It's fine. I'm familiar with it."

"Sure?"

She hummed, "Go and take some rest."

Wala na rin akong nagawa as I finally went to sleep, bahala na siya. Desisyon niya naman 'yan sa buhay.

...

Nagising ako dahil ramdam ko ang pagkalubak ng dinadaanan namin. My eyes were still drowsy as I tried to open them. The sun wasn't setting yet, but I could tell that it was already morning.

Pero bigla na lang akong nakaramdam ng kaba nang makita ko kung saan kami papunta.

"Vida.."

"Oh, you're awake."

"W-why are we.."

"You've been here once and you already know where it is," She said with a teasing laugh. "Welcome back to Hacienda Del Mundo, Astrea."

My heart raced as the reality of our destination sunk in. I glanced at Vida, who seemed giddy with excitement, completely unaware of the storm brewing inside me.

"Seryoso ka ba?!" I managed to say, my voice barely above a whisper. "What are we doing here?"

"Surprise!" Vida said, beaming. "It's Vien's birthday, and I thought it would be the perfect way to cheer you both up. Plus, you need to talk to her, don't you?"

"Hindi sa ganitong paraan! She would think that I'm following her or something, akala ko ba bibigyan ko siya ng oras to sort things out? Then what the hell is this, Vida?!" I swallowed hard, a wave of emotions crashing over me.

"Come on, Astrea. You can't hide forever," she interrupted, her tone softening. "You care about her, and she needs you too, even if she doesn't realize it yet. This could be your chance to make things right. This is the perfect opportunity."

"Opportunity?" I say, my voice filled with frustration and panic. "You call this an opportunity? This feels more like a setup. I can't just waltz in there and act like everything's fine when it's not!"

I felt my heart sink and rise at the same time. "What if she doesn't want to see me?"

"Then you'll figure it out together," Vida replied confidently, pulling into the familiar driveway. "But you won't know unless you try. And besides, I told them I'll be bringing some plus one."

"..Oh God, Vida.. Minsan hindi ko na alam kung dapat ba talagang kinaibigan kita."

"Of course." She winked at me, "Don't worry, if magagalit si Vien. I'll be the one to defend you. So chill, okay? It's just going to be one day. She's gonna go back to the town house while we stay here."

As we parked, I took a deep breath, my heart pounding in my chest. The Hacienda was just as beautiful as I remembered—lush gardens, vibrant flowers. But all I could think about was Ms. Del Mundo.

"Let's make this a fun birthday for her," Vida said as she got out of the car. "Just go with the flow, okay? I'll be your date."

I nodded, though my stomach churned with uncertainty. As we made our way to the entrance. What have I gotten myself into?

"Just remember," Vida said, glancing at me as we approached the door, "No expectations. Just be yourself."

One thing is for sure— I shouldn't trust Vida at all.