Atsuhina Trans Eng Sunset
(Shouyou's pov)
The weather today is sunny, but it doesn't have any wind or clouds. But, the weather forecast said there will be a storm this afternoon as well as tomorrow. This world is really strange, isn't it?Ah, how long has it been since we met? Has it been four or maybe five months? I think it's five. I have spent a lot of time thinking and wondering about some things in those 5 months. And, I have my own decision. I apologize for suddenly showing up in front of your house that night and disturbing your sleep. Did Atsumu really come to you? It's lucky you kept the promise. What would happen if you told him the truth that time? I don't know either. I don't know if I can face him anymore. He needs my trust in him, open my heart for him and not hide in my own world. You ask me, am I ok? Haha, I'm not ok. I have never been fine before, Suga-san. But, I'm quite calm and somehow comfortable now. I just came here to find a listener, heh. And, I believe you, Suga-san. You are like my second father. Back to the main topic, I just told you how amazing Atsumu is. Now, I want to tell you about my love story as well as how I create burdens for myself. I met him on a quiet day, he is so handsome and I bumped into him on purpose to get his attention. I am not like that kind of person who always plans or calculates everything!Handsomeness wasn't the only thing that made me notice him, it's the way he gently asked me if I'm in pain. It's rare that someone cares about me like he did, so I fell for him. That quiet day seemed to silently signal an approaching storm. Everything remained normal, I was getting closer and closer to Atsumu. Until, he expressed his feelings to me. I realized how happy I was when I heard that, but there was a scary thing which started to grow on my mind. I had relapsed at that time, but I didn't even know. And, I let the fear that 'if I get sick he won't love me anymore', gradually growing bigger, making me breathless. I wanted to talk to him about it, but so many unwanted thoughts clouded my way of thinking, squeezing my throat so that I couldn't speak. If only I had been a little braver that time. Because Atsumu was beside me. But I wasn't.And then more worries appeared, I remembered the words people had said about me in the past, that I don't deserve to be loved and to be happy. I was so scared, I even scratched myself, hoping those words in my head would disappear. I'm really thankful for Atsumu because he gave me a hug at that time. But, I didn't love him with all my heart. I'm not perfect, my heart is full of holes that can't be patched. I was starting to feel like I don't deserve him. I see him as the Sun, the World, and my whole life. So, I don't deserve him.I know I've devalued myself, but I was so helpless in my own fear. I didn't know what to do. I'm a coward. Until now, whenever I remember that time, my heart feels like It's about to explode from being overwhelmed. No, Suga-san, I'm really calm now. When I was in love with Atsumu, I felt happiness overflowing in my chest, as well as an invisible burden appearing on my shoulders. At that time, I really wanted to die. Dying to free me from the pain, from the terrible things that torment me, but I was greedy to feel the happiness Asumu gave me more. So, I decided to stay. And, those hurtful cuts, again, appeared on my hands. The pain reduced my fear. So, I returned to my old self which I was in a few years ago. Soulless, gloomy, and always trying to torment myself and misuse the pain to hide my fear. It is repeated over and over like a hover cycle. Everytime I look at the high and far sky, I want to be able to fly and be free like a bird out there, feeling the cool breeze blowing through my hair and wanting to scream out loud. And, when I realized, I was standing on the rooftop. I stood there, stuck between the thought of wanting to jump down or stay. In the end, I chose to stay. I knew how disappointed Atsumu was, how much in pain he was, but he was still beside me. He always wanted to protect me, he is like a guiding light to help me out of the dark. But, I don't deserve that light anymore. And again, I pushed him away.That was the time my whole world turned against me. But it was disgustingly shocking, I felt relieved. Not disappointed but relieved, because all the pain I was carrying was finally removed. But how about my Atsumu? He loved me with all his heart, and I betrayed him, how will he be? I want him to be happy for his whole life. That's why I came to ask for your help that night. I don't know why I came to you, I just thought maybe he would come find you. Yup, that was the reason. If someone who is more mature than me advises him to find new happiness, maybe he will change his mind and not look for me anymore. My love is full of contradictions between pain and happiness, and I'm also a conflicted person. And then I wonder, my existence causes so much pain to the one I love, so what do I live for in the end. If only my mother hadn't given birth to me, with just a family of three, my father, mother and younger sister, perhaps the world would have had one more happy family. Don't worry, Suga-san. I'm just speaking what is in my mind. I also want to attend Atsumu's engagement with the girl he loves.Osamu-san told me that it's a girl with bright orange-hair. She has an innocent and energetic personality, she could make everyone around her feel warm because of her bright smile like the morning sun. What a nice girl, right Suga-san? She is very suitable for Atsumu. Why do you sound like Osamu-san? She and I don't have anything in common. I'm a boy and she's a girl. I have only one younger sister. There is no similarity like that in human beings in this world, I think only twins have that. I don't see anything similar between her and me. Anyway, I'm done with my story. I'm feeling so comfortable, as much as I think I can fly! I finally let go of these unwanted thoughts, and Atsumu also found his happiness. I'm so happy right now, Suga-san!Will you attend his engagement next week? In the tallest building of this city! Ah, yeah, the East one. I don't understand why they built one on the East side and another on the West side? It's so far, far away from each other. That's it, I would like to say goodbye to you, Suga-san!"Hinata, If you love someone, it's impossible to sincerely wish that person to be happy forever with someone else."I know. This place, this place in my heart, my love for him is still there. It's just, it's just like the confederate rose. Confederate rose, blooms brightly in the morning and then withers miserably in the evening. .This was Shouyou's purpose to come here, after telling Sugawara his story, he walked away again.Sugawara looked at Shouyou's skinny back. Many shackles that gripped his tiny body were finally removed.Shouyou is now free. That's why he will no longer be here. =====Atsumu wonders why his family wanted him to get married so quickly. He tried to procrastinate until accepting to choose today as the engagement day. Marriage will come soon. He warmly kisses the girl's soft and sunny-scent hair and smiles softly. She also smiles back to him, but when he walks away, her smile is broken. She doesn't see any of her image in Atsumu's eyes, instead it is a vague figure of someone who looked exactly like her. So why did she still choose to marry him? Even though she knows she only receives pain? She doesn't know. She just needs to know she loves him. Atsumu stands outside on the balcony breathing in the fresh air. He realizes how fast time flies, it's been more than half a year now. In the past half year, he has been through many things, and he finally found someone to love. Osamu stands beside him, whispering softly."Have you chosen the right person?"Atsumu just smiles in response. But he doesn't see the awkward look of the man next to him, and a hint of sadness appears on Osamu's face.Atsumu seems like he doesn't pay attention to anything around anymore.The engagement ceremony went quite easy. Atsumu holds the bride's hand, smiling happily.He hopes his smile contains enough happiness.Osamu frowns as he looks at the couple, he suddenly sees the silhouette of an orange-haired boy flash through the bottom of Atsumu's eyes. Atsumu still can't forget this boy, even though he is nearing his marriage. After all, how long is he going to make himself miserable? Not only him, but that girl will also suffer. Love, why is it so painful like that...The party ends, the bride happily chats with her friends. Particularly, the groom continues to stand on the balcony to enjoy the wind.Since when does he have this habit of being so quiet? He doesn't know. Probably, since he broke up with Shouyou. Oh.. He missed Shouyou again. 'No, Atsumu. You are going to be a girl's husband. If you still have time to recall the past, you should have come to enjoy the wedding with your bride.' - Atsumu talks to himself.After that, he quickly turns back to go inside. But, a sudden phone call holds him back. Atsumu looks at the caller ID, his face is filled with different expressions. From surprise to shock, wandering and finally he feels a bit happy. How long has it been since he heard Shouyou's voice? For Atsumu, it has been a long time. Atsumu adjusts his emotions, pressing the answer button. From the other end of the phone, there is a soft voice and it's so familiar that he could even hear it in his dream. [Is it Atsumu?]"Yes, I am. I thought you would come today?"[ I came, but you couldn't see me because I stood in a hidden corner. Maybe I will appear somewhere in the group photo! I have thought for a long time to find the right time to call you. You are happy today, aren't you? I saw your happy smile. So, I'm happy too. And.. uhm.. let's get to the main purpose. I'm calling you.. just because I want to say goodbye.]Atsumu is confused, "What? Goodbye to what?"The person who is on the other end of the phone ignores Atsumu's question, [I feel so cruel because I decided to tell you this when you are at your happiest time. But, you are the last person I want to talk to, the last person I want to open my heart to confide in. This will be a long talk.]"Wa-Wait Shouyou!! I still don't understand what you are trying to say??"[You just need to listen. It is just teenage confidence.] Atsumu can hear Shouyou's laugh, a sad laugh. Then he starts telling his story.[I had a happy family, Atsumu. Father, mother and a little cute younger sister. My family is wealthy and fully happy, so everyone said my life is blissful, I just need to finish my studies and then work at my father's company. A life that many people desire.]Shouyou stops, he seems to take a deep breath.[But my mother and younger sister were dead. I visited them in another city a few days ago. I spent some days just sitting on the grass and talking to them, telling them about what I want to express from the bottom of my heart. I told them all my thoughts which I didn't tell in the past. Because this was the first time I met them. After a few years, I finally had the courage to meet them.]Atsumu is so worried when he listens to Shouyou, because his voice is so soft and real. Shouyou is really confiding in him. And, Atsumu is scared that Shouyou will do something dangerous. "Shouyou, where are you??"He ignores Atsumu's question one more time.[I also visited my father. He is still the same, manners, serious and cold. I just watched him from outside, I'm still feeling scared with his face and eyes. He seems to be getting married to a new woman soon, she is very beautiful, gentle and righteous. I suddenly miss my mother so much.]"I'm asking you, Shouyou! Where are you??" Atsumu asks louder, but the sound of the wind drowns his voice. On the other end of the phone, Shouyou still hears it. [Atsumu, please listen to me.] Shouyou says it in a whisper, and this is the second time he begs Atsumu for something. For him, Atsumu is soft enough to accept everything. That softness is only for one person.[Do you know how my mother died? She was depressed after she gave birth to my sister. Her morale was so exhausted that her face could no longer maintain its youthful appearance, she became as pale as a dry corpse. Her personality also became extraordinary. I often saw her sitting beside the window, staring blankly at the gray sky. I thought the love of my parents was really in good terms, my father would find some ways to help my mother overcome that challenge. But, his work kept him far away from us, he didn't come home often, and the house became gloomy.I was just a primary student that time but I was the one who took care of Natsu - my younger sister. Luckily, she was so docile, she didn't cry and annoyedly disturb my mother's rest. But, my mother's condition was getting worse day by day. How gentle and soft she was before, she became more and more scary then. I started being abused.]"Shouyou.." Atsumu becomes silent, should he console or encourage Shouyou? He doesn't know what to say, The gentle monotone of the boy still echoes in Atsumu's ear, redrawing his past picture in black and white colour. [From small spankings when I didn't satisfy her, gradually growing into whipping me until I bleed, once I was even splashed by boiling water, thankfully I was fine. I was in so much pain, but I didn't know what to do to get rid of it. My father came back home once a month, but every time he returned, he did not notice the difference in the house. He returned home for only two days and then continued to go to work. So, I still got beat up.I had to grit my teeth to endure the pain, so I wouldn't let out any scream because I didn't want to wake Natsu. I didn't dare to tell anyone about the abuse, partly because I only had a few friends, and I was only a few years old at that time, who would believe me if I told them?At first, I was so scared, scared that my mother was gonna beat me to death. Gradually I got used to it. But, every night, mom came to my bed, with her warm hands that once hugging me, touched the bleeding wounds, she gently applied medicine for me. Then she cried, she apologized, sobbing, she said the words that tormented herself because she was the one causing my pain. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't. How could I hate her when she did that every night..?]Atsumu hears Shouyou's sigh, he seems to contain an inconsolable but painful nostalgia. Now Atsumu knows, Shouyou doesn't have a good life as he imagined. Shouyou's happiness disappeared a long time ago, leaving a pair of empty brown eyes filled with dark clouds. The veil Shouyou tried to hide for so long, gradually becoming clearer than ever. But it is not the end yet. [My father found out his son was abused one day. I remember clearly how the feeling of being saved was, like I could fly to heaven. But then, I was dropped to hell. My parents had an argument. My father slapped my mother in anger, making her dizzy. She knelt on the ground, everything fell silent. Suddenly, she rushed into the kitchen to take out a sharp knife. I can't forget the face of my mom that time, angry, painful, miserable, cruel, insane, all expressions appeared on her face. I was too scared and cried. She threatened my father by death. I didn't know what happened after that, I just knew my father hid it. He didn't want others to know his wife had mental issues that would embarrass his family. My trust in him was broken. I frantically yelled "Why don't you save her?", but I only received that cold look in response. I finally realized that there is no more love between my parents, the red string between them has been already cut by themself.My mother didn't hurt me anymore, but she started hurting herself. She wanted to stay in her room and refused to go out, so I was the one who brought food to her. If I didn't do it, who would? My father didn't go home anymore. That big house, I had to take care of everything by myself. It was just that I wanted my sister to have a better life, so I played with her everyday until she went to bed. The pressure on my shoulders was very heavy, and I was just in sixth grade at that time.]Atsumu can feel Shouyou's face slowly turning dark, hiding the unnamed sadness, but he can't say a word. [My mother started to go out frequently, but her personality changed one more time. She became irritated with someone that didn't satisfy her or wounded her pride and so on. She again threatened everyone with her death. Not once, she did it many times. "Let me die! I will die as you pleased!!" I still remember clearly what she said. Gradually, I've grown callouses with her threats, I didn't even care anymore.I was so young at that time, I didn't understand how much pressure my mother was under, from her husband to the whole in-law family, there were the phone calls from my maternal grandmother to talk about something. My mother had reached her limit, her threat is a plea for help. But no one cared, even her beloved son. And, I still gave myself the right to say harsh words to her just because of my pressure. "I'm so tired of your threats. If you want, just die!" I said that, then went upstairs.]Shouyou gasps, shortness of breath, he lets night winds besiege him. [At that night, a loud noise woke me up. I realised it was the noise of opening the window. I groped in the dark to find that room. I realized, it's my mom's room. The door wasn't locked, which made me worry even more. As soon as I opened the door, the cold wind hit my face, as if a knife wanted to cut deep into my skin. The sky had a starlight, not even a moon, it was so dark and scary. But the dim lights of the city help me see the image on the windowsill clearly. My mom stood there, looking at me with a soft expression which I thought I would never see again. This was the last time I saw her smile. She just smiled and jumped down.][She died in front of me.]Shouyou's voice is lower, it is lost in the middle of the dark sky. Atsumu's ear becomes frantic, not believing the story he had just heard. It must be painful for Shouyou to remember his past. But, the story isn't over yet, Atsumu knows."No.... It's not your fault... Shouyou.."The pain and torment in Shouyou's mind appeared a long time ago?? Since he was just a child?? Why did life cause so much pain to him?? The fact that he suffers is because he has a life that many people dream about???[At my mother's funeral, I was beaten by my maternal grandmother in front of many people, I was almost choked to death. She told me I was the one that caused my mother's death, she called me "a disaster", that made her lose her daughter. My paternal grandmother and father didn't stop her, Natsu stood outside and piteously cried. I shouldn't have taken her there. No one knew, my mother died because of my words. So, that damn name, I'll take it. I must bear the guilt that I have commited. All the disdainful glances, all the hateful words passed around that I was the disaster who killed my mother at school, I bore all of them. Because I'm a sinner. And, "the sinner does not deserve to be loved".]Atsumu's heart is becoming painful, but that pain can't compare to everything Shouyou has gone through. But, he is still hurt. He's hurt because he knows this boy has to endure so much bitterness, he's hurt because he realizes he can't give up on Shouyou.[I wanted to die that time, but I had to live to endure my punishment. And, I still had Natsu, so I had to take care of her. If I left, what could she do? She has drawn a brighter life for me, and always wanted me to be happy. During middle school, I was bullied by many people. When I went home, she was my only support. All the pain and fear in me completely disappeared with just a bright smile and the words "Welcome home, ni-chan!". Natsu was my only and last relative. The whole world turned its back on me, only her, despite her fear, went into the dark, making herself as a light to guide me. In this world, the only person who loves me is Natsu.]And then, his voice is broken, deep in the tragedy full of pain. [That happy time just lasted for a few years, life took Natsu away from me. I carelessly let her run into the street. And again, the person I love died in front of my eyes. It seemed like I was the real disaster, or because I was a sinner but dared to love someone. Therefore, that person would be punished.I didn't deserve to have happiness. I have engraved that sentence in my mind so much that I still hear it in my dream. After that, my father kicked me out of the house, the family and gave me some money that was enough to live on for five years. I didn't know where to go, this world doesn't have any place for me. That time, I wanted to die again, but I didn't have enough courage.]This time, Atsumu is really worried. Shouyou thought about death many times in the past, even now he's not sure if those thoughts are better or not. If Shouyou does something stupid, he'll probably go crazy. When Atsumu goes out to find this boy, behind him is a luxurious engagement ceremony, it has everything, but not him. Suddenly, Atsumu remembers what Osamu asked. "Have you chosen the right person?" He, hasn't chosen the right person. He just chose that girl because in her, he can see the image of Shouyou.On the other end of of the line, there is still a voice that is steady, tender, and filled with sadness. [When I thought I just lied anywhere and starved myself to death, Suga-san appeared. He came to talk to me, and he knew I had an illness. Didn't understand why I listened to him and started the treatment. At that time, I felt that the punishment for me was gradually reduced.He said, I have endured enough, so live a life that my mom and sister haven't enjoyed yet. Find a person who I can love and take care of. In my head, my own voice echoed, reminding me that I was a sinner. It seemed that I had returned to the light at that time, so that sentence no longer scared me. This was when I met you.]"I'm sorry... Shouyou I'm sorry... Because of me..." Atsumu moves his lip, the salty taste helps him realize he is crying. Everything he built has collapsed. The things Shouyou tried to rebuild were broken by him.It's because the two of them made themselves suffer. [It's not your fault Atsumu, it's because I put pressure on myself, it's because I don't trust you, and it's because I'm scared. I'm sorry Atsumu, I want to love but I'm scaredI'm glad that you finally found your happiness. I just want you to be happy, I can't give you this one.I'm a sinner, staying beside me, you will be punished. I'm scared that life will take the person I love away from me, in front of me one more time and leave me alone in this cruel world. But, I already made you suffer, right...?]"Shouyou, where are you?? I'm asking you, please answer me!!!" Atsumu shouts loudly, he is crazily running to the entrance but Osamu stops him. Osamu's expression is really awkward. It's a problem if the groom leaves in the middle of the party. "Please stay alive, live for me, please Shouyou...??"Hinata feels the gentle night wind through his hair, hears the noise from the other end of the phone call and sighs. At this point, his presence still bothers other people. [Atsumu, don't find me anymore.Do you still remember the confederate rose I planted? It must be withered. The confederate rose is ephemerous, my love is probably the same. I didn't love you with all my heart, so that love came back to kill me.I don't have any purpose left to live, Atsumu. If I'm alive, I'm just a dry corpse in the middle of a rush life. Living like that will only make the land more cramped.I'm in a place where I can see the luxurious and bright building where you're in. But, you can't find me. The Sun rises in the East, then sets in the West. So, it's time for me to 'set'.]That voice is like a spell that makes the blonde suddenly stop, lifeless looking into the distance.Because he knows, he can't make it in time.[My life is a chain of sorrow, so I think it should stop now.][Goodbye, my love.]A long beep resounds through the silence. He doesn't make it in time, really doesn't make it in time.His Shouyou is no longer here. Shouyou will go to a place far, far away, where no chains can bind him anymore. But, Atsumu couldn't see Shouyou's face for the last time. .Shouyou turns off the call, puts the phone away. He gently sways his little feet in the air, the street lights below are sparkling dazzlingly like glitter. This time, he will fly.He looks at the dark sky but high, something he wants to touch but will never reach. This time, he will touch it.His eyelids curve and are filled with happiness, because he sees in the middle of the dark sky, two tiny but sparkling stars. 'Wait for me, mom. Wait for your ni-chan, Natsu.'The boy stands up, backs away, runs as fast as he can, then jumps. He spreads his wings, takes one step and flies high. His hand feels like it's holding something. He flies, he finally can fly, leaving behind blood, tears, happiness, pain and broken pieces of the iron chain that binds him. He is finally free. The rain is slowly pouring.Atsumu stands under a high building in the western part of the city, in front of a crowd, everyone's face is reserved and grieved with mournful words. His heart seems dead, gradually breaking into pieces. He tries to worm his way through the crowd, hopelessly searching for an orange hair. There, the body of a young boy is crushed, flesh and blood mix with rainwater on the ground, creating a terrifying scene. The orange hair is still there, just dyes with blood colour. On his face, that could no longer be seen clearly, but vaguely there is a satisfied smile. Shouyou must have been happy when he jumped. Atsumu thought so, then crying in pain. He is crying until his throat becomes hoarse, crying until the body of the one he loves was taken away, but still unable to stop. It's raining, as if mourning for a soul that had just passed away. His Shouyou is gone, but is he in heaven or hell? Must be heaven. God is not cruel enough to let the boy who had to carry so much tragedy to go to the dark hell. And he has to stay here, in a place where there is no one named Hinata Shouyou anymore. .The next day, a wedding gift finally arrived. It is a pot of confederate rose and a group photo. In the corner of the photo, Atsumu can see a bright smile as the sun. Hinata Shouyou left but didn't bring anything, just left a small bright pot of flower, along with lifelong torment for Miya Atsumu. =====The city has two high buildings.Miya Atsumu had the engagement ceremony in the eastern building.Hinata Shouyou committed suicide in the western building.
-end- Note: It's hurt, isn't it? I don't know what to say :)
The weather today is sunny, but it doesn't have any wind or clouds. But, the weather forecast said there will be a storm this afternoon as well as tomorrow. This world is really strange, isn't it?Ah, how long has it been since we met? Has it been four or maybe five months? I think it's five. I have spent a lot of time thinking and wondering about some things in those 5 months. And, I have my own decision. I apologize for suddenly showing up in front of your house that night and disturbing your sleep. Did Atsumu really come to you? It's lucky you kept the promise. What would happen if you told him the truth that time? I don't know either. I don't know if I can face him anymore. He needs my trust in him, open my heart for him and not hide in my own world. You ask me, am I ok? Haha, I'm not ok. I have never been fine before, Suga-san. But, I'm quite calm and somehow comfortable now. I just came here to find a listener, heh. And, I believe you, Suga-san. You are like my second father. Back to the main topic, I just told you how amazing Atsumu is. Now, I want to tell you about my love story as well as how I create burdens for myself. I met him on a quiet day, he is so handsome and I bumped into him on purpose to get his attention. I am not like that kind of person who always plans or calculates everything!Handsomeness wasn't the only thing that made me notice him, it's the way he gently asked me if I'm in pain. It's rare that someone cares about me like he did, so I fell for him. That quiet day seemed to silently signal an approaching storm. Everything remained normal, I was getting closer and closer to Atsumu. Until, he expressed his feelings to me. I realized how happy I was when I heard that, but there was a scary thing which started to grow on my mind. I had relapsed at that time, but I didn't even know. And, I let the fear that 'if I get sick he won't love me anymore', gradually growing bigger, making me breathless. I wanted to talk to him about it, but so many unwanted thoughts clouded my way of thinking, squeezing my throat so that I couldn't speak. If only I had been a little braver that time. Because Atsumu was beside me. But I wasn't.And then more worries appeared, I remembered the words people had said about me in the past, that I don't deserve to be loved and to be happy. I was so scared, I even scratched myself, hoping those words in my head would disappear. I'm really thankful for Atsumu because he gave me a hug at that time. But, I didn't love him with all my heart. I'm not perfect, my heart is full of holes that can't be patched. I was starting to feel like I don't deserve him. I see him as the Sun, the World, and my whole life. So, I don't deserve him.I know I've devalued myself, but I was so helpless in my own fear. I didn't know what to do. I'm a coward. Until now, whenever I remember that time, my heart feels like It's about to explode from being overwhelmed. No, Suga-san, I'm really calm now. When I was in love with Atsumu, I felt happiness overflowing in my chest, as well as an invisible burden appearing on my shoulders. At that time, I really wanted to die. Dying to free me from the pain, from the terrible things that torment me, but I was greedy to feel the happiness Asumu gave me more. So, I decided to stay. And, those hurtful cuts, again, appeared on my hands. The pain reduced my fear. So, I returned to my old self which I was in a few years ago. Soulless, gloomy, and always trying to torment myself and misuse the pain to hide my fear. It is repeated over and over like a hover cycle. Everytime I look at the high and far sky, I want to be able to fly and be free like a bird out there, feeling the cool breeze blowing through my hair and wanting to scream out loud. And, when I realized, I was standing on the rooftop. I stood there, stuck between the thought of wanting to jump down or stay. In the end, I chose to stay. I knew how disappointed Atsumu was, how much in pain he was, but he was still beside me. He always wanted to protect me, he is like a guiding light to help me out of the dark. But, I don't deserve that light anymore. And again, I pushed him away.That was the time my whole world turned against me. But it was disgustingly shocking, I felt relieved. Not disappointed but relieved, because all the pain I was carrying was finally removed. But how about my Atsumu? He loved me with all his heart, and I betrayed him, how will he be? I want him to be happy for his whole life. That's why I came to ask for your help that night. I don't know why I came to you, I just thought maybe he would come find you. Yup, that was the reason. If someone who is more mature than me advises him to find new happiness, maybe he will change his mind and not look for me anymore. My love is full of contradictions between pain and happiness, and I'm also a conflicted person. And then I wonder, my existence causes so much pain to the one I love, so what do I live for in the end. If only my mother hadn't given birth to me, with just a family of three, my father, mother and younger sister, perhaps the world would have had one more happy family. Don't worry, Suga-san. I'm just speaking what is in my mind. I also want to attend Atsumu's engagement with the girl he loves.Osamu-san told me that it's a girl with bright orange-hair. She has an innocent and energetic personality, she could make everyone around her feel warm because of her bright smile like the morning sun. What a nice girl, right Suga-san? She is very suitable for Atsumu. Why do you sound like Osamu-san? She and I don't have anything in common. I'm a boy and she's a girl. I have only one younger sister. There is no similarity like that in human beings in this world, I think only twins have that. I don't see anything similar between her and me. Anyway, I'm done with my story. I'm feeling so comfortable, as much as I think I can fly! I finally let go of these unwanted thoughts, and Atsumu also found his happiness. I'm so happy right now, Suga-san!Will you attend his engagement next week? In the tallest building of this city! Ah, yeah, the East one. I don't understand why they built one on the East side and another on the West side? It's so far, far away from each other. That's it, I would like to say goodbye to you, Suga-san!"Hinata, If you love someone, it's impossible to sincerely wish that person to be happy forever with someone else."I know. This place, this place in my heart, my love for him is still there. It's just, it's just like the confederate rose. Confederate rose, blooms brightly in the morning and then withers miserably in the evening. .This was Shouyou's purpose to come here, after telling Sugawara his story, he walked away again.Sugawara looked at Shouyou's skinny back. Many shackles that gripped his tiny body were finally removed.Shouyou is now free. That's why he will no longer be here. =====Atsumu wonders why his family wanted him to get married so quickly. He tried to procrastinate until accepting to choose today as the engagement day. Marriage will come soon. He warmly kisses the girl's soft and sunny-scent hair and smiles softly. She also smiles back to him, but when he walks away, her smile is broken. She doesn't see any of her image in Atsumu's eyes, instead it is a vague figure of someone who looked exactly like her. So why did she still choose to marry him? Even though she knows she only receives pain? She doesn't know. She just needs to know she loves him. Atsumu stands outside on the balcony breathing in the fresh air. He realizes how fast time flies, it's been more than half a year now. In the past half year, he has been through many things, and he finally found someone to love. Osamu stands beside him, whispering softly."Have you chosen the right person?"Atsumu just smiles in response. But he doesn't see the awkward look of the man next to him, and a hint of sadness appears on Osamu's face.Atsumu seems like he doesn't pay attention to anything around anymore.The engagement ceremony went quite easy. Atsumu holds the bride's hand, smiling happily.He hopes his smile contains enough happiness.Osamu frowns as he looks at the couple, he suddenly sees the silhouette of an orange-haired boy flash through the bottom of Atsumu's eyes. Atsumu still can't forget this boy, even though he is nearing his marriage. After all, how long is he going to make himself miserable? Not only him, but that girl will also suffer. Love, why is it so painful like that...The party ends, the bride happily chats with her friends. Particularly, the groom continues to stand on the balcony to enjoy the wind.Since when does he have this habit of being so quiet? He doesn't know. Probably, since he broke up with Shouyou. Oh.. He missed Shouyou again. 'No, Atsumu. You are going to be a girl's husband. If you still have time to recall the past, you should have come to enjoy the wedding with your bride.' - Atsumu talks to himself.After that, he quickly turns back to go inside. But, a sudden phone call holds him back. Atsumu looks at the caller ID, his face is filled with different expressions. From surprise to shock, wandering and finally he feels a bit happy. How long has it been since he heard Shouyou's voice? For Atsumu, it has been a long time. Atsumu adjusts his emotions, pressing the answer button. From the other end of the phone, there is a soft voice and it's so familiar that he could even hear it in his dream. [Is it Atsumu?]"Yes, I am. I thought you would come today?"[ I came, but you couldn't see me because I stood in a hidden corner. Maybe I will appear somewhere in the group photo! I have thought for a long time to find the right time to call you. You are happy today, aren't you? I saw your happy smile. So, I'm happy too. And.. uhm.. let's get to the main purpose. I'm calling you.. just because I want to say goodbye.]Atsumu is confused, "What? Goodbye to what?"The person who is on the other end of the phone ignores Atsumu's question, [I feel so cruel because I decided to tell you this when you are at your happiest time. But, you are the last person I want to talk to, the last person I want to open my heart to confide in. This will be a long talk.]"Wa-Wait Shouyou!! I still don't understand what you are trying to say??"[You just need to listen. It is just teenage confidence.] Atsumu can hear Shouyou's laugh, a sad laugh. Then he starts telling his story.[I had a happy family, Atsumu. Father, mother and a little cute younger sister. My family is wealthy and fully happy, so everyone said my life is blissful, I just need to finish my studies and then work at my father's company. A life that many people desire.]Shouyou stops, he seems to take a deep breath.[But my mother and younger sister were dead. I visited them in another city a few days ago. I spent some days just sitting on the grass and talking to them, telling them about what I want to express from the bottom of my heart. I told them all my thoughts which I didn't tell in the past. Because this was the first time I met them. After a few years, I finally had the courage to meet them.]Atsumu is so worried when he listens to Shouyou, because his voice is so soft and real. Shouyou is really confiding in him. And, Atsumu is scared that Shouyou will do something dangerous. "Shouyou, where are you??"He ignores Atsumu's question one more time.[I also visited my father. He is still the same, manners, serious and cold. I just watched him from outside, I'm still feeling scared with his face and eyes. He seems to be getting married to a new woman soon, she is very beautiful, gentle and righteous. I suddenly miss my mother so much.]"I'm asking you, Shouyou! Where are you??" Atsumu asks louder, but the sound of the wind drowns his voice. On the other end of the phone, Shouyou still hears it. [Atsumu, please listen to me.] Shouyou says it in a whisper, and this is the second time he begs Atsumu for something. For him, Atsumu is soft enough to accept everything. That softness is only for one person.[Do you know how my mother died? She was depressed after she gave birth to my sister. Her morale was so exhausted that her face could no longer maintain its youthful appearance, she became as pale as a dry corpse. Her personality also became extraordinary. I often saw her sitting beside the window, staring blankly at the gray sky. I thought the love of my parents was really in good terms, my father would find some ways to help my mother overcome that challenge. But, his work kept him far away from us, he didn't come home often, and the house became gloomy.I was just a primary student that time but I was the one who took care of Natsu - my younger sister. Luckily, she was so docile, she didn't cry and annoyedly disturb my mother's rest. But, my mother's condition was getting worse day by day. How gentle and soft she was before, she became more and more scary then. I started being abused.]"Shouyou.." Atsumu becomes silent, should he console or encourage Shouyou? He doesn't know what to say, The gentle monotone of the boy still echoes in Atsumu's ear, redrawing his past picture in black and white colour. [From small spankings when I didn't satisfy her, gradually growing into whipping me until I bleed, once I was even splashed by boiling water, thankfully I was fine. I was in so much pain, but I didn't know what to do to get rid of it. My father came back home once a month, but every time he returned, he did not notice the difference in the house. He returned home for only two days and then continued to go to work. So, I still got beat up.I had to grit my teeth to endure the pain, so I wouldn't let out any scream because I didn't want to wake Natsu. I didn't dare to tell anyone about the abuse, partly because I only had a few friends, and I was only a few years old at that time, who would believe me if I told them?At first, I was so scared, scared that my mother was gonna beat me to death. Gradually I got used to it. But, every night, mom came to my bed, with her warm hands that once hugging me, touched the bleeding wounds, she gently applied medicine for me. Then she cried, she apologized, sobbing, she said the words that tormented herself because she was the one causing my pain. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't. How could I hate her when she did that every night..?]Atsumu hears Shouyou's sigh, he seems to contain an inconsolable but painful nostalgia. Now Atsumu knows, Shouyou doesn't have a good life as he imagined. Shouyou's happiness disappeared a long time ago, leaving a pair of empty brown eyes filled with dark clouds. The veil Shouyou tried to hide for so long, gradually becoming clearer than ever. But it is not the end yet. [My father found out his son was abused one day. I remember clearly how the feeling of being saved was, like I could fly to heaven. But then, I was dropped to hell. My parents had an argument. My father slapped my mother in anger, making her dizzy. She knelt on the ground, everything fell silent. Suddenly, she rushed into the kitchen to take out a sharp knife. I can't forget the face of my mom that time, angry, painful, miserable, cruel, insane, all expressions appeared on her face. I was too scared and cried. She threatened my father by death. I didn't know what happened after that, I just knew my father hid it. He didn't want others to know his wife had mental issues that would embarrass his family. My trust in him was broken. I frantically yelled "Why don't you save her?", but I only received that cold look in response. I finally realized that there is no more love between my parents, the red string between them has been already cut by themself.My mother didn't hurt me anymore, but she started hurting herself. She wanted to stay in her room and refused to go out, so I was the one who brought food to her. If I didn't do it, who would? My father didn't go home anymore. That big house, I had to take care of everything by myself. It was just that I wanted my sister to have a better life, so I played with her everyday until she went to bed. The pressure on my shoulders was very heavy, and I was just in sixth grade at that time.]Atsumu can feel Shouyou's face slowly turning dark, hiding the unnamed sadness, but he can't say a word. [My mother started to go out frequently, but her personality changed one more time. She became irritated with someone that didn't satisfy her or wounded her pride and so on. She again threatened everyone with her death. Not once, she did it many times. "Let me die! I will die as you pleased!!" I still remember clearly what she said. Gradually, I've grown callouses with her threats, I didn't even care anymore.I was so young at that time, I didn't understand how much pressure my mother was under, from her husband to the whole in-law family, there were the phone calls from my maternal grandmother to talk about something. My mother had reached her limit, her threat is a plea for help. But no one cared, even her beloved son. And, I still gave myself the right to say harsh words to her just because of my pressure. "I'm so tired of your threats. If you want, just die!" I said that, then went upstairs.]Shouyou gasps, shortness of breath, he lets night winds besiege him. [At that night, a loud noise woke me up. I realised it was the noise of opening the window. I groped in the dark to find that room. I realized, it's my mom's room. The door wasn't locked, which made me worry even more. As soon as I opened the door, the cold wind hit my face, as if a knife wanted to cut deep into my skin. The sky had a starlight, not even a moon, it was so dark and scary. But the dim lights of the city help me see the image on the windowsill clearly. My mom stood there, looking at me with a soft expression which I thought I would never see again. This was the last time I saw her smile. She just smiled and jumped down.][She died in front of me.]Shouyou's voice is lower, it is lost in the middle of the dark sky. Atsumu's ear becomes frantic, not believing the story he had just heard. It must be painful for Shouyou to remember his past. But, the story isn't over yet, Atsumu knows."No.... It's not your fault... Shouyou.."The pain and torment in Shouyou's mind appeared a long time ago?? Since he was just a child?? Why did life cause so much pain to him?? The fact that he suffers is because he has a life that many people dream about???[At my mother's funeral, I was beaten by my maternal grandmother in front of many people, I was almost choked to death. She told me I was the one that caused my mother's death, she called me "a disaster", that made her lose her daughter. My paternal grandmother and father didn't stop her, Natsu stood outside and piteously cried. I shouldn't have taken her there. No one knew, my mother died because of my words. So, that damn name, I'll take it. I must bear the guilt that I have commited. All the disdainful glances, all the hateful words passed around that I was the disaster who killed my mother at school, I bore all of them. Because I'm a sinner. And, "the sinner does not deserve to be loved".]Atsumu's heart is becoming painful, but that pain can't compare to everything Shouyou has gone through. But, he is still hurt. He's hurt because he knows this boy has to endure so much bitterness, he's hurt because he realizes he can't give up on Shouyou.[I wanted to die that time, but I had to live to endure my punishment. And, I still had Natsu, so I had to take care of her. If I left, what could she do? She has drawn a brighter life for me, and always wanted me to be happy. During middle school, I was bullied by many people. When I went home, she was my only support. All the pain and fear in me completely disappeared with just a bright smile and the words "Welcome home, ni-chan!". Natsu was my only and last relative. The whole world turned its back on me, only her, despite her fear, went into the dark, making herself as a light to guide me. In this world, the only person who loves me is Natsu.]And then, his voice is broken, deep in the tragedy full of pain. [That happy time just lasted for a few years, life took Natsu away from me. I carelessly let her run into the street. And again, the person I love died in front of my eyes. It seemed like I was the real disaster, or because I was a sinner but dared to love someone. Therefore, that person would be punished.I didn't deserve to have happiness. I have engraved that sentence in my mind so much that I still hear it in my dream. After that, my father kicked me out of the house, the family and gave me some money that was enough to live on for five years. I didn't know where to go, this world doesn't have any place for me. That time, I wanted to die again, but I didn't have enough courage.]This time, Atsumu is really worried. Shouyou thought about death many times in the past, even now he's not sure if those thoughts are better or not. If Shouyou does something stupid, he'll probably go crazy. When Atsumu goes out to find this boy, behind him is a luxurious engagement ceremony, it has everything, but not him. Suddenly, Atsumu remembers what Osamu asked. "Have you chosen the right person?" He, hasn't chosen the right person. He just chose that girl because in her, he can see the image of Shouyou.On the other end of of the line, there is still a voice that is steady, tender, and filled with sadness. [When I thought I just lied anywhere and starved myself to death, Suga-san appeared. He came to talk to me, and he knew I had an illness. Didn't understand why I listened to him and started the treatment. At that time, I felt that the punishment for me was gradually reduced.He said, I have endured enough, so live a life that my mom and sister haven't enjoyed yet. Find a person who I can love and take care of. In my head, my own voice echoed, reminding me that I was a sinner. It seemed that I had returned to the light at that time, so that sentence no longer scared me. This was when I met you.]"I'm sorry... Shouyou I'm sorry... Because of me..." Atsumu moves his lip, the salty taste helps him realize he is crying. Everything he built has collapsed. The things Shouyou tried to rebuild were broken by him.It's because the two of them made themselves suffer. [It's not your fault Atsumu, it's because I put pressure on myself, it's because I don't trust you, and it's because I'm scared. I'm sorry Atsumu, I want to love but I'm scaredI'm glad that you finally found your happiness. I just want you to be happy, I can't give you this one.I'm a sinner, staying beside me, you will be punished. I'm scared that life will take the person I love away from me, in front of me one more time and leave me alone in this cruel world. But, I already made you suffer, right...?]"Shouyou, where are you?? I'm asking you, please answer me!!!" Atsumu shouts loudly, he is crazily running to the entrance but Osamu stops him. Osamu's expression is really awkward. It's a problem if the groom leaves in the middle of the party. "Please stay alive, live for me, please Shouyou...??"Hinata feels the gentle night wind through his hair, hears the noise from the other end of the phone call and sighs. At this point, his presence still bothers other people. [Atsumu, don't find me anymore.Do you still remember the confederate rose I planted? It must be withered. The confederate rose is ephemerous, my love is probably the same. I didn't love you with all my heart, so that love came back to kill me.I don't have any purpose left to live, Atsumu. If I'm alive, I'm just a dry corpse in the middle of a rush life. Living like that will only make the land more cramped.I'm in a place where I can see the luxurious and bright building where you're in. But, you can't find me. The Sun rises in the East, then sets in the West. So, it's time for me to 'set'.]That voice is like a spell that makes the blonde suddenly stop, lifeless looking into the distance.Because he knows, he can't make it in time.[My life is a chain of sorrow, so I think it should stop now.][Goodbye, my love.]A long beep resounds through the silence. He doesn't make it in time, really doesn't make it in time.His Shouyou is no longer here. Shouyou will go to a place far, far away, where no chains can bind him anymore. But, Atsumu couldn't see Shouyou's face for the last time. .Shouyou turns off the call, puts the phone away. He gently sways his little feet in the air, the street lights below are sparkling dazzlingly like glitter. This time, he will fly.He looks at the dark sky but high, something he wants to touch but will never reach. This time, he will touch it.His eyelids curve and are filled with happiness, because he sees in the middle of the dark sky, two tiny but sparkling stars. 'Wait for me, mom. Wait for your ni-chan, Natsu.'The boy stands up, backs away, runs as fast as he can, then jumps. He spreads his wings, takes one step and flies high. His hand feels like it's holding something. He flies, he finally can fly, leaving behind blood, tears, happiness, pain and broken pieces of the iron chain that binds him. He is finally free. The rain is slowly pouring.Atsumu stands under a high building in the western part of the city, in front of a crowd, everyone's face is reserved and grieved with mournful words. His heart seems dead, gradually breaking into pieces. He tries to worm his way through the crowd, hopelessly searching for an orange hair. There, the body of a young boy is crushed, flesh and blood mix with rainwater on the ground, creating a terrifying scene. The orange hair is still there, just dyes with blood colour. On his face, that could no longer be seen clearly, but vaguely there is a satisfied smile. Shouyou must have been happy when he jumped. Atsumu thought so, then crying in pain. He is crying until his throat becomes hoarse, crying until the body of the one he loves was taken away, but still unable to stop. It's raining, as if mourning for a soul that had just passed away. His Shouyou is gone, but is he in heaven or hell? Must be heaven. God is not cruel enough to let the boy who had to carry so much tragedy to go to the dark hell. And he has to stay here, in a place where there is no one named Hinata Shouyou anymore. .The next day, a wedding gift finally arrived. It is a pot of confederate rose and a group photo. In the corner of the photo, Atsumu can see a bright smile as the sun. Hinata Shouyou left but didn't bring anything, just left a small bright pot of flower, along with lifelong torment for Miya Atsumu. =====The city has two high buildings.Miya Atsumu had the engagement ceremony in the eastern building.Hinata Shouyou committed suicide in the western building.
-end- Note: It's hurt, isn't it? I don't know what to say :)
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